As I sit here crying like a crazy person, I realize now how strong I am.
I read my sisters post about how she cried because she missed her daughter so much when she was away at camp and I thought to myself wow the love a mother has for her children is like no other love. And then I thought what if I don't ever get to experience that.
And then the tears started. I snuck into the bathroom so my husband wouldn't hear the tears hitting the floor.
It was then I realized how strong I am. 7 years. 7 years of the roller coaster ride of infertility. I have caught myself telling people how it does get easier, but it's a total lie, it never gets easier. You just learn to hide it better. I go long periods of not worrying about it or even thinking about it and then every once in awhile I break down. My break downs usually consists of a nights worth of crying but nothing more. The next day I wake up like it never happened and continue my daily routine.
Infertility is a long and narrow road. Most of the time I feel lonely because no one I know has gone through this. And then when I talk to my husband about it which I have and believe me we have had lots of times where we both just cry in each others arms, I feel like it brings unneeded stress into his life, so I try my hardest not to address it. He is stressed enough working so hard at work, mostly to take care of me. He really is an amazing husband. His love for me is unwavering despite my problems in giving him the child that he wants.
As soon as I started crying I texted my sister just to text her, I didn't want the typical it's all in God's timing answer and she knows that now because thats not what she gave me. And for that I love her so much. Just for reading my text, because really besides my husband thats the only one who I can share my infertility feelings with even though she knows nothing about its good to tell someone.
A few minutes later she texts me again and says I went to my daily bible reader and it opened up to this:
"And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God's promise to Abraham belongs to you."
She then looked up Abraham's promise and found this:
Genesis 15:1-6
"Some time later, the Lord spoke to Abram in a vision and said to him, “Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great.”2 But Abram replied, “O Sovereign Lord, what good are all your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you’ve given me no children, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant in my household, will inherit all my wealth. 3 You have given me no descendants of my own, so one of my servants will be my heir.”4 Then the Lord said to him, “No, your servant will not be your heir, for you will have a son of your own who will be your heir.” 5 Then the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, “Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That’s how many descendants you will have!”6 And Abram believed the Lord, and the Lord counted him as righteous because of his faith."
And wow this was so for me. I could barely read it I was crying so hard, I knew it had God all over it.
I think a lot of times I have not had much faith because I was too scared that I would work myself up for nothing. But I think that is where I go wrong. I think I need more faith, more faith on God's promises. I'm not saying it's not going to be hard anymore but I am saying that I have to step my faith level up and stand on what God has promised me because its so much more than what I could ever think up.
I understand this is kind of a sad post to read but I'm not writing this post so that I can get sympathy, I'm writing it so that others who are going through the same thing can relate to my feelings and my thoughts.
Each and every day I realize how strong I am and I know that God does have a plan for me, but sometimes its ok to cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness its a sign of strength. It means you are going through something and I believe God will not give you anything you can't handle, so if he thinks you can handle the roller coaster ride that is infertility, than you are one strong woman!
39 comments:
I know how you feel. I have Lupus and a lot of people with Lupus are able to have kids, but unfortunately I am not one of them. After 3 miscarriages, it turns out I can get pregnant, but my body attacks the pregnancy. It's heartbreaking and sometimes it seems so unfair, especially when you read about parents who abuse and neglect their children. Just keep the faith and remember that not being able to have kids, does not mean that you cannot be a mother.
Such a beautiful, powerful post friend! Thanks so much for sharing your struggles and for being so open about them. I too have learned that it's OK to cry - sometimes you feel so much better after!
You are an inspiring & beautiful woman. Remember, faith is NOT a hope-so...it's a know-so!! ;)
Knowing who we serve gives us understanding in all things.
Thank you so much for sharing something so personal and close to you. That verse from your sister was amazing. Thinking of you!
Silver
Girl, I think you are one of the strongest women that I know. Crying is most definitely NOT a sign of weakness - it's a sign that your heart is full. THANK YOU for sharing this and you are most certainly not alone. I'll be sending this post link to few friends of mine who are struggling with infertility - I know it will be an encouragement to them. <3
This is an amazing post!
I'm so sorry, I had no idea of your struggles.
I'll pray for you guys and thank you for being so honest with us.
Crying is most definitely not a sign of weakness.
It just means you held it all in for too long.
In agreement with you and praying for you. I am applying Abraham's promise to your life and calling it out into the Kingdom. Prayers for you and your husband will be in my heart.
lady, you just made me cry, and I'm not a crier! you are amazingly strong! prayers for you today!
Beautiful Post!!!!
I cry thinking about never having a child of my own. I was pregnant and miscarried a few months ago and it has been hard. I worry I am pretty sure I will never be able to have a child myself so I am trying to decide when I am ready do I want a sergeant mother or just adopt a kid.
Tiffany @ Dreams Do Come True
http://happilyeverafter-tiffany.blogspot.com/
it's definitely a beautiful post. you are one of the strongest people i know. i know i don't have the right word to say to you. i know nothing about it and i won't pretend that i do. but one thing for sure is that, i listen to you and send all my prayers for you. you're amazing
Beautiful post. You are right- you are strong. I dealt with infertility for 7 years before I was able to get pregnant. It was a long, rough, roller coaster that not many people in my life could relate to. I shed a lot of tears in those 7 years. Saying a prayer for you right now.
praying for you - you are such a strong woman and i truly appreciate your openness on this difficult topic. it's such a blessing that your life is placed in Christ's hands and that you are able to seek and cry out to God about this. i admire you.
You are NOT alone in this journey. This is very touching and breaks my heart. I am praying for you but I know you are strong & God is there to guide you. As I am not trying to have children right now, but I have already been told it will be difficult for me to get pregnant just because of medical issues that I do not ovulate. I pray one day, we both will get blessed to have children of our own to love and spoil and cherish. One day it will happen.
Praying for you & your family!!
xoxo
jessica
Amazed at the faithfulness of God's promises.
xoxo
You are strong and this was a beautiful post.
<3
Tears are simply honest emotion. That makes them from God. I call it "the gift of tears." :=)
and I so appreciate posts like this.. I have my first visit tomorrow.. I don't expect to find out anything but get this rollercoaster moving.. thanks Melissa!
OMG, you have me crying now. I medically can't have kids. I guess it worked out for me and my hubby because we are oldest kids in big families and already (help) raised our siblings and don't really want kids of our own. But sometimes I get really down thinking about that it couldn't happen even if one day we changed our mind. Hugs to you.
Oh Melissa, this is just beautiful!!! I have had this exact conversation lately with a few of my friends about crying being a sign of strength. I have a few old blog posts about it over the last couple of years...it's a reoccurring theme.
I completely relate to the feeling of having to let it go and leave it with God and His plan - I'm so glad you posted this...I think the power of words is that they can make us feel like we're not alone when it seems like we are.
<3 Lauren
thank you for writing this post Melissa. The struggle of infertility is so hard and often I feel so alone. I feel as though no one around me can understand. Blogging has been a blessing I didn't except as I have meet many woman who are dealing with it too. I remind myself daily that God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle and that he has a perfect plan for me. But there isn't a day or even an hour that goes by that I don't long to be a mother. Thanks for your encouragement. I have to rest in the fact that God has placed such a strong desire in my heart to be a mom and trust that he will fulfill it someday. hang in there and rest in the God's bigger plan.
I wish I could hug you right now! I know you don't know me..I'm just another fellow blogger and I came upon your blog some time ago and love that you love the Lord, so I put your blog as one of my favorites to read.
Reading this, I feel your heart. And I feel an ache for you. I know that my husband and I haven't been trying as long (8 months) so I can't say that I know how you exactly feel but it still pains me at this time because as of yet my husband and I have been unable to conceive. I'm 36 and it kind of scares me to think that if I wait any longer (got married at 35), I'm just going to dry up or something.
But get this, what you said, what your sister looked up in the Word of God spoke directly to me. Some time ago, one morning I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I was just like Lord, really, I don't know if I can do this anymore. And the tears came. I happened to be in Genesis and just that morning, I "happened" to be in Genesis 15. I started reading and I was like no way. God was using this to speak to me. I cried some more. Okay Lord, I get it. (I don't understand it but I give it to You).
Thank you for sharing your story and making us feel that we are not alone.
hey melissa... this broke my heart, i have 3 kids, but i had a struggle getting there. my first i lost and buried mid term.. my 2nd i miscarried within the first trimester and then everyone on the planet was getting pregnant before i could get pregnant again. God DOES have so many promises in his word..in fact he is the one who told man to be fruitful and multiply! and he told us to remind him of his word.. that is what i start doing. i start looking up scriptures on his promises of the blessing of children and reminded God what he said and that he cannot lie. I have a book called supernatural childbirth that was so good. it helped me alot just up my faith on his truth... i recommend it.. let me know if you have any questions girl, im here for you...
Standing in prayer with you believing in His promises friend. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
You should read a few posts that Jess has written about her struggle with infertility over at her blog http://aheartfulloffrost.blogspot.com.au/
While she doesn't provide any answers, she will definitely make you feel 'normal' for having some of the thoughts that you do.
I 100% believe in God's timing but gosh that is a hard thing to accept sometimes- keep persisting cos God will keep persisting with you ...
I get it, not for the same reasons but I get it. I am sure my circumstances are different with my husband but I understand. If we don't get help, help that costs a lot of money that is not easily acquired, we won't get pregnant again, no accidents, no surprises, no "scares", nothing, if we aren't trying, we aren't getting a baby. It is hard. We tried three months in a row a few months ago and then the money ran out. Don't know when we will be able to try again, but you are right, it needs to be in God's hands.
xoxo
Michelle
I'm so glad your sister helped give you comfort and you found the passages that ease the pain. 7 years is a very long time to deal with disappointment. My daughter has struggled with TTC. She has learned she has a long road with a lot of medical intervention. And, of course no guarantee with all the intervention of success. It's hard not to feel your body has betrayed you. But...I remind my dtr that it's outside of her control. --I had a miscarriage before I conceived my dtr. I felt like it was my fault. Of course it wasn't. Many thoughts and prayers are with you. So many are living with this disappointment. I'm so sorry.
I can not imagine how you feel.. I had some infertility problems myself, and it must be so rough for them to go on for so long.. Just know you are not alone, and there is a plan for you!! I have seen this saying "crying is not a sign of weakness, but a sign you have been strong for too long," and I know it is cliche but it is so true.
oh, this is a great post. i do dislike when people say "everything happens for a reason", or " in good time". its hard to be so ready and want something so bad but to have to wait. keep the faith.:)
I feel that you are strong in spirit and strong in faith and those are amazing qualities to share with the world. You are a gift of God and I hope he can replace all those tears with smiles.
Great post - praying for you now. Blessings!~
I almost cried because I know what your going through. It took me 5 years to have my first child. I was told I had cysts on my ovaries and It was going to be hard to have kids. Well, the ray of sunshine is, once my body was ready and I had my first one, it was no trouble popping out three more(I have four now) Its never easy to hear from anyone to hang in there, but (yes, I am going to say it) Hang in there!
I also dropped by to let ya know that I like your blog so much, I nominated you for the "Versatile Blogger" award! Stop by my post at the link below to get the image and rule, and become a part of this award blog hop! Congrats :-)
http://lesliemarquezdesigns.blogspot.com/2012/07/versatile-blogger.html
Reading this post gave me chills! I love your openness and honesty!
You are SO strong for talking about this. I am in a similar, yet very different situation which I can tell you about sometime. I can say that it does seem like a very lonely place to be sometimes. When I feel upset I just let myself feel it though...I yell or cry and LET myself feel bad for that moment/day or two even...because I know it will pass. I hope the same thing for you. :) Sending you strength!!!
This was a wonderful post. It took great strength to even put that out there. I have not gone through this, and I will not pretend to understand what this must be like for you and your husband. But I know that if this ever happened to me, that I would want to talk to someone. I think putting this out there will give more women the opportunity to talk about this issue. I know you're not alone, and your faith will pull you through. Thank you for sharing your story, and you and your husband are in my thoughts!
I don't know how I didn't see this post until today...but I have been where you are and I get it. I felt so much better opening up on my blog about this same thing, and the support I got was overwhelming. If you ever need to talk, I'm here! You are such a strong, beautiful woman! <3
I have been in your shoes. Its heart breaking, frustrating, tiring, etc. We also did three rounds of iui with no success then moved onto ivf. have you considered ivf? Best decision I ever made. :) and I know what you mean about people saying stuff. sometimes it hurts but I just had to remind myself that they didn't understand what I was going through.
Oh, Melissa, I just read this beautiful, heartfelt post. And I wanted to say that I completely understand. My husband and I started trying to conceive shortly after we got married, and by the time we had The Boy, we had just celebrated our 7th anniversary.
Infertility is a long, hard road filled with such heartache, but you ARE strong and you will get through this, and you will have such a heart and compassion for others who endure "long roads."
I will pray for you--for peace and strength--for as long as you have to take this journey. And then I will pray that you have access to strong coffee and plentiful drive-thru's...two things new moms need a lot of! You will be there someday, I just know it. xo
i am so sorry that you're having to go through this. no one should ever have to feel the pain of infertility. my husband and i struggled for 9 years to have our little boy and we're about to embark on the journey toward #2. i just had my 5th miscarriage and IVF is staring us in the face. it's tough. it hurts. it's indescribable. no one can really understand the depth of the emotions that come with infertility unless they've experienced it themselves. it's so wonderful to at least have people around you who love and support you and who are praying for you. you'll be in my prayers, too. i truly hope that God blesses your family with a child soon.
I just wanted to say I have been there. Infertility can feel so lonely. I remember praying to God to give us a child when it was the right time for us. For some reason that made me feel better then just praying for a child. If you ever want to talk or vent or anything feel free to email me.
brenna.boyd.kania@gmail.com
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