As I sit here crying like a crazy person, I realize now how strong I am.
I read my sisters post about how she cried because she missed her daughter so much when she was away at camp and I thought to myself wow the love a mother has for her children is like no other love. And then I thought what if I don't ever get to experience that.
And then the tears started. I snuck into the bathroom so my husband wouldn't hear the tears hitting the floor.
It was then I realized how strong I am. 7 years. 7 years of the roller coaster ride of infertility. I have caught myself telling people how it does get easier, but it's a total lie, it never gets easier. You just learn to hide it better. I go long periods of not worrying about it or even thinking about it and then every once in awhile I break down. My break downs usually consists of a nights worth of crying but nothing more. The next day I wake up like it never happened and continue my daily routine.
Infertility is a long and narrow road. Most of the time I feel lonely because no one I know has gone through this. And then when I talk to my husband about it which I have and believe me we have had lots of times where we both just cry in each others arms, I feel like it brings unneeded stress into his life, so I try my hardest not to address it. He is stressed enough working so hard at work, mostly to take care of me. He really is an amazing husband. His love for me is unwavering despite my problems in giving him the child that he wants.
As soon as I started crying I texted my sister just to text her, I didn't want the typical it's all in God's timing answer and she knows that now because thats not what she gave me. And for that I love her so much. Just for reading my text, because really besides my husband thats the only one who I can share my infertility feelings with even though she knows nothing about its good to tell someone.
A few minutes later she texts me again and says I went to my daily bible reader and it opened up to this:
"And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. You are his heirs, and God's promise to Abraham belongs to you."
She then looked up Abraham's promise and found this:
"Some time later, the Lord spoke to Abram in a vision and said to him, “Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great.”2 But Abram replied, “O Sovereign Lord, what good are all your blessings when I don’t even have a son? Since you’ve given me no children, Eliezer of Damascus, a servant in my household, will inherit all my wealth. 3 You have given me no descendants of my own, so one of my servants will be my heir.”4 Then the Lord said to him, “No, your servant will not be your heir, for you will have a son of your own who will be your heir.” 5 Then the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, “Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That’s how many descendants you will have!”6 And Abram believed the Lord, and the Lord counted him as righteous because of his faith."
And wow this was so for me. I could barely read it I was crying so hard, I knew it had God all over it.
I think a lot of times I have not had much faith because I was too scared that I would work myself up for nothing. But I think that is where I go wrong. I think I need more faith, more faith on God's promises. I'm not saying it's not going to be hard anymore but I am saying that I have to step my faith level up and stand on what God has promised me because its so much more than what I could ever think up.
I understand this is kind of a sad post to read but I'm not writing this post so that I can get sympathy, I'm writing it so that others who are going through the same thing can relate to my feelings and my thoughts.
Each and every day I realize how strong I am and I know that God does have a plan for me, but sometimes its ok to cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness its a sign of strength. It means you are going through something and I believe God will not give you anything you can't handle, so if he thinks you can handle the roller coaster ride that is infertility, than you are one strong woman!