Infertility.... It's a scary word. It comes from the word infertile meaning- not fertile; unproductive; sterile; barren--- sounds harsh, don't it?. I guess if you are like most people, you rarely hear this word. But unlike you, I hear it all the time.
I married my husband almost 7 years ago. Can't even believe how long it's been, I love him more today than I ever have. Anyways back to the story- about six months into our first year of marriage we had the first "pregnancy scare" a zillion thoughts went through my head as I thought of what it would be like to have a baby. To have someone just like me and Wesley, someone to love and call our own. It was right then and there that we fell in love with the thought of having a child. When the news came back that I wasn't pregnant we were disappointed but knew we would have a baby soon enough. You see, I always just assumed having a child was in the handbook of growing up. I never heard of the word infertility. I just assumed that everything was just gonna happen. We spent the next 2 years trying to have the baby we wanted so bad. We went to our first doctors appointment and at that time Kaiser didn't have an infertility specialist so we went to the regular obgyn and she had us take a bunch of tests and everything was fine. So we thought alright were still young let's keep trying on our own. The next 2 years- nothing- nothing at all. These years of hoping, dreaming, and thousands of pregnancy tests were quite long. A lot of questioning went on in my head. Just wondering, asking God, or in fact telling God that I'm ready but I'm trusting that you have the right time in mind. Of course you also have the jealously of everyone and their mom getting pregnant, mixed with anger over the pregnant teenagers that just "accidentally" got pregnant. The everyday situations where people ask, not knowing your situation, "when are you guys finally going to have kids?", or even the ones who think their funny say "You guys want me to show you how it's done", and then there's the people who "think" they know what you're going through when they say "your still young, you have plenty of time" or "just relax, it will happen" or the ones who want to ignore my situation and act like nothings wrong "Melissa's having the next baby" Little did they know my heart broke a little each time anything is said to me about a baby. Each time, I never get used to the questions or comments an respond by either saying "someday" or "I don't want kids", I guess it's whatever I'm feeling at the moment.
We finally heard of an infertility specialist in Vacaville and we go to see him right away. Of course this feels us with more hope than we've had in years. We go through 2 rounds of IUIs (artificial insemination) each round more intense after the other. The waiting period after the IUIs are seriously the worst. We had such high hopes but nothing.... The doctor said he had no explanation of why we couldn't get pregnant. After that we took a break, God blessed us with a house and it definitely took our mind off things, which was much needed.
I end my story with the word infertility. I know God is putting me through this time in my life for a reason, for almost 7 years we've tried to have our own child and for some reason God has chosen to not give us one. I'm not saying that he won't bless me and my husband with a child one day, but as of today, he has not and I can only think of why?
The only women I have ever heard of that speak their testimony of infertility are the women that have finally had a child. God laid it on my heart that I should tell my story during my storm, not just tell it at the end, because to be honest with you, I'm not 100% positive there will be an end. But I am 100% positive that I serve a God who knows what he's doing, who is guiding my every step and I want to be a testament to those women who are going through the same thing I am at this same very moment. If I don't get my story out there, then the world will still be afraid of the word "infertility", that so many women will have to go through the loneliness of that word. I want them to know that there is hope in God and that if we trust in him, we can have peace that surpasses all understanding even in the midst of the question "why?"
So for those women out there dealing with this don't be afraid of the word "infertility" there is nothing wrong with it and you are not alone. Embrace it and let God begin to use you in ways you never thought possible.
36 comments:
Ahhh tear jerker. You're so strong! I look up to you more than you know. I'm so glad you're my sister.
And I say tear jerker because your testimony will touch many lives and not just people dealing with infertility
Missy, I felt every word you wrote because I have walked in your shoes and everything you are feeling, trust me I have felt. From the disappointment month after month, to the AFI (those were the worst months between the drugs they give to the disappoint me of 'starting' and knowing once again you weren't pregnant). I also watched my sisters having babies and wondered "why?"
We never were able to have a baby And I am going to be dead honest, I'll be 50 next month and there are still days I think "I wish". But baby girl I want you to have something that was given to me and again, I'll be honest, I have been wanting to give it to you for a while but since no one said anything about you trying to have a baby I thought there was NO way I was going to /)
Anyway it is a picture tha shows a mother holding her baby and it simply say "for this child I prayed". It was prayed over by several Christian women. If you would accept is as a token of what I believe Fod has in stored for you, I would like you to have it. Please let me know.
I would LOVe to accept the picture!! Thanks for sharing a little of your story! It's funny how no ever talks about infertility but when it somehow gets out there and you find out there is other women who have the same feelings and experience as you, you feel better on some weird way, knowing that your not alone :)
I will text this weekend and drop it off for you. I am glad I shared it has taken me a long time but I know God did have his reasons even if never know them. Love you
My heart goes out to you and Wes. Reading this, just breaks my heart. But I know that you and Wes are meant for something amazing. Maybe that means no children, maybe it means you adopt, maybe you will be granted a beautiful baby of your own. Just follow your hearts.
Know that I love you both, and know you are in my thoughts. <3
Thank you that means alot, we love you too!
You are simply amazing my daughter. I have learned to trust God with everything. I see you have done the same. I have know idea how Gods going to help you. But I know he will. And IT WILL BE AMAZING. love you sooo much my daughter. Im soooo proud of you. Dad
Mel, thanks for sharing this story! I'm so sorry! Sometimes things happen in life and we often wonder why... Someone once told me, when I was at my lowest point, NEVER question God. But you know what? I've learned it's ok to ask God why! It's a normal human response. To NOT wonder why would be less than human. At the same time, I can see how frustrating it must be to see everyone one else with children... You guys are in my thoughts... Love you guys!!
-Yvonne Villanueva
Melissa I just want you to know you are amazing. You and Wesley are such an awesome couple. I don't even know what to say after reading that. I am in aw of you.
I am actually tearing up by your story. I just went through a miscarriage and we thought I was infertile. And I just keep telling myself and my husband that God has this path for us and there is something better awaiting and there was something that had to be done first. It is really sad sometimes to stop and think about it. Especially like when you said when teenagers were "accidently" getting pregnant (my sister n law) and then my husband cousin at the same time. It's frustrating and sometimes really hard. Please never give up on being a family. I said if I would go through another miscarriage - I'd look into adoption. But I still hope there is no end for you like you said. Lots of Hugs.
Hello! Greetings of peace from #UBP12... Your story is definitely one of immeasurable strength... Have faith. Everything will be alright... As long as you and your husband stay in love, everything is possible. :)
Cham
http://eaturbanana.blogspot.com/
This is such a moving story. I understand what you mean by God wanting to tell "through the storm", not after the storm. Sometimes a story like this is just what someone needs to hear! Thank you for sharing :)
I wish I had had your maturity when I was struggling with infertility. Even now, it is the largest grief of my life (I've never been able to think of another way to describe it) I had one biological child, before I knew that it was not a given to have the babies I wanted. I was like you; I never really thought about it after we were married. Children were just the next step, whenever I decided. Oh, well. Live and learn. I was able to have a baby; my gratitude for this has only increased over the years. The things people would say about our infertility ( we had miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies-no keeping that secret when it requires hospital stays) were appalling. You've heard it, I'm sure.
We decided on adoption, and of course, we've never regretted it. Of course (and this is no small thing) we already had a biological child. But the adoptions had (and still have, 12-15 years later) their own stresses. I love my children and don't regret even that I didn't carry them (how else would they be who they are?) but I can't say that I'm 'over' my infertility.
I pray that God will bless your family, in His way, in His plan, for your good. I have no answers. But you are not alone.
I could not have said it better. Just how I am feeling. Thank you. And it's good to read about others "in the same boat".
I just happened on your blog and found this post. It touched my heart because I too struggled with this. Don't be discouraged! When I was 15 years old my doctors told me that I would never be able to have kids. At 19, I had a doctor insist I have a hysterectomy because even if I got pregnant it wouldn't result in a baby and could be dangerous. Through it all, I always knew that if God thought I should be a mother then I would. I had 2 horrible miscarriages and became very discouraged. At 24, I was terrified and overjoyed to find out that my husband and I were expecting again. It was an insane pregnancy which left me on bed rest for 9 months worrying. When I finally gave birth we discovered that my amazing son was born with a disability. There were lots of people who thought that this would make me sad. Little did they know what I knew when I saw his little face. The moment I saw him I understood that God chose for us to be together. He took his time in giving me a baby because he had the perfect match in mind. Maybe your match just isn't ready yet but I'm sure it will come.
Thanks so much for your sweet words :)
awww thank you so much! wow, what you had to go through, thats proof that you are amazing strong. I'm tearing up just reading your story. Trusting in God, its the only hope that will get us through the tough times. HUGS
Thank you for sharing this. I just stumbled upon your page from @lovelifeasmrs and my husband and I just passed the 1 year mark of " trying". As suggested by my dr we are beginning to start the process of tests next week. By the way we must be close to neighbors if you went to Vacaville! I'm in Oakley, small world!
Thank you again, stories and encouraging words from others that have had troubles in this dept. really help.
Rachel
http://lovelifeasmrs.blogspot.com/
This is beautifully written. It's surprising just how many people go through the quiet agony of trying to conceive. It is tough when there is no real explanation. I love that you are brave and bold to share your story while you are in it. Thank you for sharing. {Two people very close to me had/have trouble TTC. One person is still in it, but taking a break. The other person, though very blessed by God, was not blessed with a child of her own.
P.S. I don't know if I did the "Star" thing right. :)
I always am appreciative when I read stories of woman being faithful to God while doing through infertility. My husband and I have gone through a few unsuccessful rounds of IUI and are in the middle of our first IVF. This has definitely been the biggest struggle my husband and I have gone through (who have also been married for 7 years). I know God is good and I know that he has a perfect plan. It is hard and confusing to see what that is and to understand the why, especially when everyone around me seems to get pregnant exactly when they want. I didn't think I'd end up sharing an of our fertility struggles on my blog but have a few times and am blessed by the few laides that I've met and can relate too. Thanks for sharing!
I suffered in silence for years struggling with infertility and the unknown. We lacked support and our doctor wouldn't do anything because we were so young.
Hearing your story took me back to those moments of my life.
You give me strength and are giving everyone out there hope that this isn't something we should have to do in silence.
Your story gives so many girls and women the strength and courage to get through the storm! I am a believer in Jesus and I know He is my savior but sometimes I struggle so bad wondering if I will ever be a mommy. Your testimony grounds me and makes me realize there are not only other things in life but also children out there who need homes that may otherwise not be given to them. I pray for you and all the other women out there that cannot have kids or who are struggling to have kids and I pray that they know they are just as beautiful and meaningful to the world as the other mommies out there. It is amazing to know that God has our whole lives planned out and that we need to just let Him take the reigns. Such a humbling thought. Thank you again so much for your story.
I've never understood the "how's" and "why's" in situations like this. All my mom ever wanted was a houseful of babies and month after month, year after year, nothing and miscarriage after miscarriage after I was born. I remember how sad she would be when people asked why she and my dad didn't have more kids.
I learned never to ask those questions. It so private and soooo no one elses business. My heart was full for you reading this and I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog.
My dad and father in law are also Pastor's-actually my dad is now a US Missionary-and my family and I live in the Bay Area
You found a new reader today. Praying for you and your husband for peace in the storm...don't know if it helps, but my husband and I were going through a horribly sad and hard season this past year and the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego was our anchor through it all...that God was to be praised no matter the outcome and we would leave the fire without being burned, singed or even smelling like smoke and God would fully get the glory of our testimony!
Praying the same over you today.
Hi! So, I randomly came across your blog today and I think we could be BFFs! Our stories are very similar. I've been married almost 8 years, but 7 years of an infertility struggle. I'm a new follower - love your bloggy! You can find me at http://lifeoflt.blogspot.com
I came across your blog somehow (you know how that happens) and I just read this! Although I'm not dealing with this specifically, it is inspiring to hear your story and how strong you are! God only gives us what we can handle, so he clearly knows you're a strong woman and a testament to Him. I wasn't going to comment because I wasn't sure what to say, but if someone read something of mine and thought this, I would want to hear it. Thank you for the inspiration!
Wow. I can't believe I never found your blog before. We are both from Northern California and have the infertility connection. Wish we had something else in common. :(
Thank you for writing. I have been married for 4 years and my story sounds a lot like yours! We are trusting God to make everything beautiful in His time...this--INFERTILITY--is our time. May HIS face shine upon you!
Wow...I stumbled onto your blog by following a link for the best vanilla cupcakes from Pinterest. We have SO much in common. I have been poring over your infertility posts. This one hit home for me, I am in the same place as you mentally. We have been trying for 4.5 years and have not yet been blessed with a pregnancy.
I give my testimony about it all the time though, I'm so much more open about it than I used to be, and I like to help people wherever I can.
*big hugs* and I will be following your blog from here forward. I wish you all of the best!
Tracey
Wow. Thank you for sharing your story with the world. I always watch what I say when I speak with couples who've been married for a long time and do not have children. It's so natural to ask "When are you going to have a baby" that we don't stop to think about the possibility that the person wants this more than anything. God Bless you!
Lisete
Northern Belle Diaries
Wow, what a strong woman you are. Thank you for telling your story. I get married soon, and, like you, I hope to have children one day with my fiance. The idea of infertility would break my heart, so I look up to you so much and pray that you can have that little child you've waited so long to have one day. Good luck!
What's in a Name?
Praying that you have a baby soon. We have been married 18 years and the answer to our prayer has been no. We have been blessed with many nieces and nephews and rejoice in the children we have been given through family. It is so hard to see the many babies born and have your arms remain empty. It was interesting to us to see when the question switched from, "when are you having a baby." to "are you going to have a baby." we have not tried treatments as my husband is opposed. I trust God is good and will bless you.
I always come here for your Blog Hop but I saw this off to the side.. I literally cried.. :'( Hearing your story really touched my heart a lot. Not to mention how positive you try to be and your faith in the Lord. One day it will happen for you, and just reading this I can tell you are a wonderful person.
Steph xx
http://www.heartsoulinspiration.com/
Just found and followed your blog. Thank you for sharing your story.
God bless
I am so sorry for the struggle you are going through. I came here for the blog hop and noticed the infertility link off and clicked on it because it's something very close to my heart. You are a very strong woman and I pray that God will bless you and your husband with a child.
It took me 4 years and 4 losses (19 weeks, 4 weeks, 5 weeks and my 30 week stillborn son Max) to finally get my living son who is 6 months old. You can read my story on my blog: http://theeyesofaboy.blogspot.com/p/about-us.html if you would like to.
Take care.
Much love, Melissa (yes, another reproductively challenges Melissa)
The Eyes of a Boy
I'm so sorry you have been going through this! I do not know how you feel, so I will not pretend to, but I will pray that God will lead you to the path that you are intended to have.
I have the opposite "problem" of you. I would love to "talk" with you about open {US} adoption anytime. You can also read about my experience HERE. Also, check out Kate and her experiences of adopting from China sometime.
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