Infertility…. It’s a scary word. It comes from the word infertile meaning- not fertile; unproductive; sterile; barren— sounds harsh, don’t it?. I guess if you are like most people, you rarely hear this word. But unlike you, I hear it all the time.
I married my husband almost 7 years ago. Can’t even believe how long it’s been, I love him more today than I ever have. Anyways back to the story- about six months into our first year of marriage we had the first “pregnancy scare” a zillion thoughts went through my head as I thought of what it would be like to have a baby. To have someone just like me and Wesley, someone to love and call our own. It was right then and there that we fell in love with the thought of having a child. When the news came back that I wasn’t pregnant we were disappointed but knew we would have a baby soon enough. You see, I always just assumed having a child was in the handbook of growing up. I never heard of the word infertility. I just assumed that everything was just gonna happen. We spent the next 2 years trying to have the baby we wanted so bad. We went to our first doctors appointment and at that time Kaiser didn’t have an infertility specialist so we went to the regular obgyn and she had us take a bunch of tests and everything was fine. So we thought alright were still young let’s keep trying on our own. The next 2 years- nothing- nothing at all. These years of hoping, dreaming, and thousands of pregnancy tests were quite long. A lot of questioning went on in my head. Just wondering, asking God, or in fact telling God that I’m ready but I’m trusting that you have the right time in mind. Of course you also have the jealously of everyone and their mom getting pregnant, mixed with anger over the pregnant teenagers that just “accidentally” got pregnant. The everyday situations where people ask, not knowing your situation, “when are you guys finally going to have kids?”, or even the ones who think their funny say “You guys want me to show you how it’s done”, and then there’s the people who “think” they know what you’re going through when they say “your still young, you have plenty of time” or “just relax, it will happen” or the ones who want to ignore my situation and act like nothings wrong “Melissa’s having the next baby” Little did they know my heart broke a little each time anything is said to me about a baby. Each time, I never get used to the questions or comments an respond by either saying “someday” or “I don’t want kids”, I guess it’s whatever I’m feeling at the moment.
We finally heard of an infertility specialist in Vacaville and we go to see him right away. Of course this feels us with more hope than we’ve had in years. We go through 2 rounds of IUIs (artificial insemination) each round more intense after the other. The waiting period after the IUIs are seriously the worst. We had such high hopes but nothing…. The doctor said he had no explanation of why we couldn’t get pregnant. After that we took a break, God blessed us with a house and it definitely took our mind off things, which was much needed.
I end my story with the word infertility. I know God is putting me through this time in my life for a reason, for almost 7 years we’ve tried to have our own child and for some reason God has chosen to not give us one. I’m not saying that he won’t bless me and my husband with a child one day, but as of today, he has not and I can only think of why?
The only women I have ever heard of that speak their testimony of infertility are the women that have finally had a child. God laid it on my heart that I should tell my story during my storm, not just tell it at the end, because to be honest with you, I’m not 100% positive there will be an end. But I am 100% positive that I serve a God who knows what he’s doing, who is guiding my every step and I want to be a testament to those women who are going through the same thing I am at this same very moment. If I don’t get my story out there, then the world will still be afraid of the word “infertility”, that so many women will have to go through the loneliness of that word. I want them to know that there is hope in God and that if we trust in him, we can have peace that surpasses all understanding even in the midst of the question “why?”
So for those women out there dealing with this don’t be afraid of the word “infertility” there is nothing wrong with it and you are not alone. Embrace it and let God begin to use you in ways you never thought possible.